Okay, let’s talk about it. Walking and talking? We’ve been doing that forever, right? Yet somehow, walking up to someone we think is cute and saying “hi” feels like trying to solve quantum physics. We've been using phones since we were kids, but the way we agonize over calling someone we like, you’d think we were being asked to defuse a bomb.
And kissing? Oh my God, don’t even get me started. We’ve seen it in movies, on TV, even in real life a million times. Some of us have even done it before. But when we’re sitting across from someone we’re head over heels for, it’s like, What’s the move? Is there a signal? Where’s the manual?
Why? Why is it so hard?
Here’s the thing: People climb mountains, run marathons, build billion-dollar businesses, and write novels. But put them across the table from someone attractive, and suddenly their brain turns to jelly. The stakes feel higher. The pressure? Unbearable. And we stall.
Not Your Typical “How-To”
A lot of people compare dating to learning a skill, like playing the piano or learning Spanish. Sure, there are some similarities — practice helps, and you’ll suck at first. But let’s be real: Nobody has a full-blown existential crisis because they hit the wrong piano key. And I’ve yet to meet someone who spiraled into a week-long funk because they conjugated a verb wrong.
But dating? Dating hits different.
You can spend years dating, and somehow it feels like you’re just running in circles. Why? Why does something as simple as walking up to someone, making a call, or leaning in for a kiss feel like climbing Mount Everest without a guide?
Emotional Maps: The Childhood Blueprint You Didn’t Ask For
Here’s where it gets deep. Every one of us grows up with some kind of baggage. Maybe your parents were overprotective. Maybe one wasn’t around. Maybe you got picked on in school, or your first crush ghosted you. Whatever it was, these little (or big) moments left their mark.
Think of your brain as a map, and those moments? They’re like the GPS for how you experience love, intimacy, and connection.
If your mom was always hovering and your dad was emotionally MIA, guess what? That’s likely influencing how you connect with people now. If you were teased for being too emotional or too quiet, that’s still hanging out in the back of your mind when you’re trying to open up to someone.
And it’s wild because out of the hundreds of people we meet who are objectively attractive, only a handful ever grab us in that gut-level way. You know, the one where you can’t stop thinking about them, where they’re suddenly in every daydream and every song feels like it’s about them?
Psychologists say that’s because, on some subconscious level, they remind us of the way we were loved (or weren’t loved) as kids. They match the emotional blueprint we’ve been carrying around without even realizing it.
The “You Complete Me” Effect
Ever notice how couples in the honeymoon phase act like literal children? Baby talk, silly nicknames, wanting to be with each other 24/7. It’s because their brains can’t tell the difference between the love they’re getting now and the love (or lack of it) they experienced as kids.
That’s also why rejection feels like being sucker-punched in the soul. It’s not just that this person doesn’t want you. To your subconscious, it’s every time you felt abandoned, ignored, or not good enough.
So, yeah, dating isn’t just about dating. It’s about our deepest fears, insecurities, and wounds.
So What Do We Do About It?
Here’s the truth: You can’t just wake up one day and delete your emotional baggage like it’s an old Instagram reel draft. It’s part of you. But you can learn to work with it.
Channel the Feels: Instead of letting rejection or fear consume you, use that energy for something else. Feeling anxious? Go for a run. Feeling angry? Punch a pillow (or a punching bag). Redirect the emotions into something constructive instead of spiraling.
Take Baby Steps: If putting yourself out there feels like skydiving without a parachute, start small. Say hi to strangers. Compliment someone’s outfit. Ease into conversations with new people. It’s all about building confidence brick by brick.
Be Real About What You Need: Once you start getting comfortable, it’s time to be honest — not just with others but with yourself. What do you actually want in a relationship? What scares you? What triggers you? Start looking for people who vibe with you — the real, messy, figuring-it-out version of you.
A Personal Story
Let me keep it real with you. I grew up in a family where no one talked about their feelings. Like, maybe rarely. As a result, I turned into this Nice Girl who avoided conflict like the plague. If someone I liked even hinted at criticism, I’d shut down completely.
It took me years to figure out that my fear of commitment was tied to not having ever expressed emotions. I started dating men who weren’t emotionally available because, deep down, I wanted an escape hatch. It felt safer that way.
I’m not saying I’ve fixed all my issues (because, hello, work in progress), but I’ve learned to face them one step at a time. And every time I’m honest about my baggage, it’s like a weight lifts.
Your Turn
Think about it. What are your hang-ups when it comes to love and intimacy? What scares you? What keeps you stuck? And most importantly, what’s one small thing you can do today to push through it?
Because here’s the thing: The more you show up for yourself, the more you’ll attract people who’ll show up for you too. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being real.
So go ahead. Take the first step. You’ve got this.
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